A year ago on June 6, I said goodbye to Brett. Wednesday would have been his birthday and I couldnt help but think of what a birthday in Heaven with Jesus would be like. That smile that no one was able to wipe away is still on his face, in fact I know its only gotten bigger. Its pretty exciting to think of what all he is doing and experiencing now. To think that he is able to see and be with Jesus is mind blowing. Getting to talk with some of his heros. Wow! I guess I get kind of jealous sometimes but never would I ask him to come back. Not to this world!
Honestly, its hard to believe that a whole year has past since that day, I remember thinking there is no way life can go on. Well, obviously it does if I want it to or not. For a long time life was more about survival than anything else. I still have questions. I haven't even gotten close to understanding why this happened. Why was it Brett? Why did it happen to my team? I still struggle with knowing how I feel and how to process it all. I struggle with all the different emotions that come and having no idea what to do with them. I often think I should be able to sit down and write about all the good things that came out of this, and even though its been difficult I should be able to say its been good. Well, thats not happening and I get this feeling it may never happen.
I believe thats its okay to ask God questions and then be okay if I dont understand it or get the answers I want. I just know its been a journey that I wouldnt have chosen, had I known what all it consisted of. Its been a journey of trust, and when I say trust it means I really dont know whats going on.
I'm discovering that the questions and things that I allow to hold me back could actually be a source of great motivation in moving forward. Motivation to live my life like Brett, passionately and loving. Instead of wandering around trying to get it figured out and wanting answers, what if I would start running as hard as Brett did? Besides hasn't he obtained exactly what I want? I do really want to see him again and for that to happen I am going to have to keep running! I feel for me right now is to claim the verses that Brett had in his pocket when he died. (Philipians 3:12-14) Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I am so thankful for the new family I get to be apart of. Bretts parents have encouraged me so much in just watching them trust in our Father. To Merlin, Gina, Bryce, Harlee, Dominick, Nathan, Ryan and Jeremy, I love you guys and appreciate you. You are an amazing family.
I still wish he was here to live life with and run the race! What I wouldnt give to be able to give him a hug and say Happy Birthday! I miss my friend and wont ever forget him.